YEAR END REFLECTION: TEST OF CHARACTER

I looked back to my prayer points which I had listed down, prayed and fasted earlier this year. Then I also looked back on the past 2 years of my life. Whatever experiences that I had for the last 2 years will play an essential part on the upcoming year.

As most of you know, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The first year of my treatment which includes a major surgery, 8 cycles of chemotherapy, quarterly hormone therapy and 16 cycles of  immunotherapy is really difficult to go through physically, mentally and emotionally. Even as I completed the rest of it the following year I’m still having a hard time accepting my new normal life. You see, I am so grateful for the miracle that God had given me when I was declared cancer free earlier this year. For the past 2 years my faith had been tested. I tried my best to fight depression (which I know every cancer patient will naturally feel) by holding on to God’s grace and mercy. But you know what, as I claim victory over my sickness through Christ and believe that my battle with cancer is over, I realize that my battle with myself is not over. I know deep within my heart that God healed me because He is simply a merciful and gracious God. I really can’t give enough credit to my faith because I don’t think my faith is great enough to obtain God’s miracle. There are moments when I had my fair share of doubts and fears, still God made His way.

Just for you to understand, people who were diagnosed with cancer can actually become more sensitive to the words or treatment of other people (at least for my case) whether good or bad. I’m not sure if its an effect of our medication or its because of how much we suffered that sometimes we tend to have self pity and we are easily hurt. We tend to magnify things or situation that can hurt us. The things that we don’t care about before will matter greatly now because we became fully aware of how short life here on earth is. Well, that’s fine as long as we don’t dwell on it and ask God for strength and comfort.

There was a point in time from the previous year that I really have a very low self esteem. Although I was already recovering from my sickness, I still think my mental and physical capacity are preventing me to get better opportunities the way that I had before I was sick. Truly, my mind was not sharp as before, my memory became poor due to the effects of chemotherapy. There are times that I pathetically thought someone who really hates me might be laughing behind my back seeing me in my most helpless situation. This year when God had given me the opportunities that I prayed for, I really worked harder to fulfill my responsibilities despite my limitations. All I need is understanding and appreciation from people so I can be more inspired to do my best and increase my confidence. I’m happy to be challenged but if the pressure is too high I happen to feel so tired and demotivated along the way with all the sacrifices involved and with people who don't seem to care or recognize my efforts. Pondering further, I came to realize that I might be getting just too emotional about my circumstances, thinking this might be a test of character. But how will I respond to that? As I recollect the events in my life this year, I thought I actually failed if I'm talking about the test of character. I endured the pressure ok, but I failed in dealing properly with people. During the course of events this year, I honestly hated some people to the point that I tried not to associate much with them. But without a choice I think I have thrown myself in the toxicity of hatred that I had become a rude fake version of myself. Trying to please people but deep inside hating the situation and If I can’t take it anymore, I will snap or explode and express myself with sharp words out of disappointment. I found myself really complaining a lot. Why these things are happening? Why nobody wants to listen? Why doesn't anyone care at all? Ugh! I failed big time. God I know I failed you big time in this area. If you saw me last year as a strong and courageous cancer patient, this year you might have seen me as a headstrong and stubborn cancer survivor. God, what am I doing these days, these past few months? What am I thinking?

With these things that happened, I stopped and breathe, I suddenly began to think about what’s going to happen next year and I tell myself: “Hey, no need for any New Year’s resolution to be able to improve your character. Just stick with this resolve – In every situation, think about what would Jesus do and that’s what I should do. If I want to surpass the test of character, then imitating Christ's character is the best decision for me not just a one time decision but should be my decision everyday for the rest of my life. 

Year 2019, everyday will become a test I know, but still I will choose to conquer because God's peace will be my guide. It will be hard, but who says life here on earth is easy. As long as I keep holding on to God, I believe 2019 will become a greater year for me. From glory to glory as most of us would say. So cheers to the upcoming year and welcome it gladly. Aja! Fight! Soar not too high fall.

Philippians 4:8-9 ESV "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

UNSOLICITED LOVE

Before the clock strikes midnight and everyone celebrates the dawn of another beginning, a new year, a new journey, let me use this page to thank a lot of people who had made an impact to me in one way or another. You never know how much joy you had brought me in the midst of difficulties and sufferings I encountered this year. Although it’s still 12 days before New Year and Christmas is just around the corner, I’d like to take this opportunity to appreciate all your kindness, something that I know I don’t deserve to receive from anyone else.

I’m a self-confessed choleric with a straightforward personality and too much honesty to the point of rudeness, so I don’t consider myself friendly or empathetic. Yet despite myself I am overwhelmed with benevolence coming from all of you. I realized that no matter who you are and no matter what you do, in times of trouble there will be people who will genuinely support and give love without expecting anything in return. You taught me that kind of compassion that I never ever given to anyone before.

***

The start of year 2016 is not very pleasant to me because I celebrated my birthday in the hospital and 2 days prior that I was diagnosed with cancer. My happiness is beyond measure with my friends and family celebrating the day I was born when my mind is full of strange thoughts about dying.

My BFFs and Kumare Meg and Gen

My officemates and friends who prepared the birthday surprise. Awww. So sweet. . .

My family (L-R: nephew Brian, sister Lala, youngest niece Francine, my dear Nanay, nieces EJ and Trisha. . . Insert my brother-in-law Henry, my brother Rolly, eldest sister Lorena, nephews Glenn and Gian and niece Faye who are not in this photo.

My emotional distress at that time is more than the physical pain from the surgical wound, still I managed to smile from the bottom of my heart because of your warm consolation. Indeed, it’s the best birthday celebration of my entire life.

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The last time my hair was cut short was in grade school (grade 3 to be exact), so I feel dejected thinking about cutting off my hair to prepare for my chemotherapy. One of the saddest days of my life (arte lang).

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I can’t help but to have self pity when my hair started to shed. I can’t look myself into the mirror and can’t even comb my hair afraid of what is about to happen, that everything will fall off instantly. I started to wear bandanas/scarves to cover the shedding of my hair. Then I took a selfie and said to myself that beauty comes from our inner self, and the positivity that will make me glow in such brilliant smile is up to me. Somehow I regained my confidence here.

***

I shaved my hair entirely because it became difficult for me to style my hair and it feels kinda itchy when covered with bandana/scarf. Then I struck a pose, took another selfie while realizing that I still look good despite of the baldness. This was not bad after all. I can still carry this type of hairstyle I think. Haha!

***

It was my 2^nd cycle of chemotherapy and I was alone in the hospital when my friend and sister in Christ Elena visited me with an interview for the blog that she was about to write for me. I found it amusing but I’m so touched when she was the one crying instead of me while doing the interview. I felt so much love coming from her. The blog was really heart warming and informative. Thank you so much Elena! Nag-feeling artista ako dito.

Visit her blogsite for more inspiring articles and stories: http://elena-bithao.blogspot.in/

I got another visit from Elena, this time it was with Karel at our home in Bulacan. You will notice here that my eyebrows are starting to diminish. But still happy to be with my sisters in Christ. Missing Kring, Maiah and Ate Ja.

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We have our family bonding some time in August. This time with my eldest sister (Lorena). I’m in the last few cycles of my chemotherapy. I’m getting fluffier here due to the effect of corticosteroid (type of steroids but not the steroids used by some weight lifters. Hehehe) Look at my chubby cheeks!

I love my sisters. Although I’m not expressive in terms of affection, but I’m so thankful to them that they allowed me to become the most beautiful among us even only in this photo. I know they are far more beautiful but they must admit I’m the smartest. Haha!

***

At last! The chemotherapy session is over. I still have other treatments but hair shedding is not one of the side effects. So my hair started to grow back. I’m in great delight! Wee!

Some said my new look suits me better. This hairstyle is giving off a fierce and sophisticated vibe.

Hmmm. . . I still want to grow my hair long like this though.

Or like this

Well we’ll see how it will turn out. If my hair strands cooperate even without hair rebonding, I will grow my hair long.

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After months of isolation at home, I finally got back working at the office again by September. Woohoo! I got to do the things I enjoy again and spend wonderful times at work, dine out and parties with my colleagues.

Sobrang saya ko di ba? Hehehe.

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My travel restriction was lifted after chemotherapy so I was able to spend BFF time with Meg and family in Tagaytay last November. Missing Gen here.

Yet to bond with all my lovely friends next year. I’m just so thankful that I can go out again in places without wearing a mask and worrying about fatigue. My strength comes from the Lord and the joy of healing is now happening.

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Back to the place where everything started with my spiritual foundation, my spiritual family and my home church in Victory UBELT.

Catch up with my VG Leader April

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I have shown those captured in photos for some highlights of the unmerited favor and love that I spent and received from all of you this year. Other events and people might not be mentioned here, but you know who you are. The encouraging messages, the financial support and especially your prayers are adding a lot as an inspiration for me to continue on the battle with victory in mind.

I do hope that sharing my cancer journey this year with everyone had already gave you a good representation of how wide and deep is the love of God for all of us. But it does not mean you need to experience the same situation that I have in order to appreciate it and witness His glory. Our God, our Lord Jesus Christ is alive. I can attest to that. No other miracle can be greater than his unsolicited love that was demonstrated on the cross. For that love, I found hope and faith, I can declare healing through His power and I can thank you all at this moment because I believe my life was extended so that I can also appreciate the love coming from all of you and be able to share it with others as well.

The best and worst days of my life happened this year but it’s all worth it. Thank you all so much!

2 Corinthians 4:15English Standard Version (ESV)

15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

THE BURNING LIGHT

Three days before my birthday when I'm faced with this sad reality of cancer. I felt like my life is about to be extinguished at that moment. Fear suddenly enveloped my whole being as if there's no more remedy to that horrible instance.

Unlike what everybody perceived my initial response to this condition was very unpleasant, I became totally helpless. For the first few days I'm like a coward who couldn't accept this battle. While wearing a facade, I've been trying to find answers hoping that it can change my situation. Why me? I haven't done anything wrong to deserve this. I thought that there are more people who are just wasting their life away while I value mine and yet I got this critical illness instead. It's so unfair. The burning light that I had been protecting for years is about to be burned out. 

When my treatment started I experienced the most difficult days of my life. First time that I felt so limited that I can do nothing. I don't normally get sick before, so being physically down is so frustrating. 

I got chances to talk with a lot of people who encouraged me to be strong and have faith. But because I'm still coping up in the first few months of acceptance their words did not really sinked in. At the back of my mind I'm saying this: "Oh yeah, it's easy for you to say that because you're not the one who is about to die." Honestly I had been giving this kind of advice to people in the past to encourage them in the midst of their trials. It's really easy to say. Have faith, be strong. Easy to say when you are not in the situation. You see, it will actually become hard when bad things struck you head on leaving you devastated. 

If God had not been merciful and graceful, I will not be able to get out of self pity and depression.  The next phase had been bearable because this time I surrendered my situation to God. He embraced my weakness and guided me in power. I was relieved. But you know what, life is really playing tricks on me. More and more problems came. Left and right and on top of my ordeal. I even got this very oppressive chat conversation with someone who has a problematic life and who wishes to die. All are happening to break the security that I already had with God. This lady, she told me that she wants to die and if she can do anything, she would like to switch places with me. I was insulted, but I tried to understand her feelings. I am about to see her as the devil talking to me, challenging my faith and trying to steal away my hope. It's just that the Lord told me to listen to the rants of this lady because she was really broken. The worst thing she said to me is this: "You are fighting courageously now, but one day you will give up and you will wish to die" How encouraging right? Good thing is that I'm secured with God and He can only decide when or how my life ends. So I told her, I'm not gonna give up until God permits me. I realized at that time that she needs prayer more than I need one simply because she's missing out the love of God. I can sense so much despair in her words. I learned that it's not about how big your problem is that will determine how you will suffer or survive. It's about how you recognize the Lord as bigger than anything that you will encounter. 

Our life is a burning light it will goes out any moment without us knowing the exact time. The challenge is this, is your light burning brighter that it enlightens the world or it is so dull no one had barely noticed it. I've got the most terrible experience when I was diagnosed with cancer, but I thought it became the starting point of my burning light shining brighter than it ever be. It gave me the perfect opportunity to reach the hardest of heart and to draw kindness from people. I'm still fighting and I'm declaring victory. I know one day my light will goes out even if it's not with cancer because all of us will die at any appointed time. I do hope that before my light goes out, I will leave a mark that will bring honor and glory to God. This is my purpose. This is my mission.

Romans 14:8 NLT "If we live, it's to honor the Lord. And if we die, it's to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."

NOT THE SAME ANYMORE. . . GODLY CHANGE

Those handful of hair strands clinging to my pillow and those that were scattered around the floor clearly conveys my circumstance.

The day I was diagnosed with cancer was the most terrifying moment of my life. I thought I was going to die and I cried like a child. My thoughts, my heart, my whole being is filled with grief and remorse. Deep inside I was wasting away although I looked strong on the outside. I felt hopeless when I thought about the coming years when I can no longer fulfill my dreams. I prayed to God because I am so helpless that depression is starting to succumb me.

Few days passed. Lots of medical tests were done and I undergone two surgeries. The final verdict is a good prognosis, that my condition is treatable. However, I have to undergo a series of costly treatments, I have to endure those needles that must be injected through my veins and the agony of having my blood extracted from time to time (I have a blood phobia, so this is torture for me). 

This is good news, but I felt ashamed of myself because I knew my faith waivered thinking I was going to die. I knew I had doubts if God will actually hand me over to death. In repentance and reverence I prayed and asked God for forgiveness as I praised His name for giving me another chance to live.

I am used to changes but what happened to me is a great deal. It's hard and irreversible. I knew that from then on I will never be the same again.

At first I was reluctant to let everyone know about my illness. I don't want to become a subject of pity. I don't want everyone to know that I'm sick and fighting for my life, that the high and mighty prideful me is now frail and in need of help. You see, I'm a highly independent individual and depending on others is a sign of weakness to me. But the ways of the Lord revealed to me a humbling experience. God shows Himself in an incredible way. "Tell the whole world that you are deadly sick so that you can also tell them how I can heal you and make you better than you used to be." His words turned my fear into divine courage. This is God's battle not mine.

My human mind tells me yes I am not the same as before and it's worse. The mind of Jesus contradicts it by telling me that yes I am not the same anymore but it's for the better version of me. He will turn my ordinary life into an extraordinary life of faith, hope and love because His blood changed me.

Change. . . It will make you feel anxious and out of control. But when this change is something that will help you grow to become more like Jesus, then it will be the most wonderful change in your life. A godly change. . . this change is happening to me now and I'm not the same anymore.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT "That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."

IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, I FOUND GOD

When you found yourself in the middle of a life and death situation, you'll begin to realize so many things:

1. Life is not a choice it is a chance.
2. Worrying will not help you live.
3. Time is a gift.
4. Love gives you hope.
5. You are not in control.
6. You are not as great as you think.
7. Hate will just wear you out.
8. Happiness is temporary but joyfulness is lasting.
9. The future is uncertain.
10. You plan to fail. God plans to prosper.

Those are just 10 things I can describe based on my personal thoughts and experience.

Let me explain further.

Number 1: Life is not a choice it is a chance - Yes I know most of you will have your own argument that life is a choice. I used to believe that too. This choice might refer to the decisions you make in life, but not life itself. Because you can never choose your life eventhough you thought how well you laid out your plan. At the end of the day everything is a chance of survival. Every morning I wake up, I become more grateful to God that I'm alive. Every second that I breathe I praise the Lord that I can still do this. Yes, life is a chance given by the one who holds it. . . God.

Number 2: Worrying will not help you live - When you worry will it add more days to your life? No. It will just rob you the opportunity to accept that something more powerful than your situation do exists. You just need to recognize that. That power is the saving grace of God.

Number 3: Time is a gift - Every moment you spend with your loved ones are precious. It is special that it cannot be taken away from you. But what's more special is the gift of time that you can share with your heavenly Father. The more you spend time with the presence of God the more you can feel the joy deeply rooted within your heart.

Number 4: Love gives you hope - Knowing that you are loved more than what you expect is truly overwhelming. It makes you want to fight and not give up in the midst of adversity.

Number 5: You are not in control - You think you can make things move on your own? You're wrong. No matter what you do there are things that will escape, things that can never be within your reach. Because God holds everything and only He can control all things.

Number 6: You are not as great as you think - The best, the strongest, you can overpower others because you think you can do better. Then all of a sudden your capabilities are not useful anymore to get you out of your weakest pathetic self. Because you are not great. You can't do everything. Your abilities are limited. Learn to depend on others and most especially learn to depend on God who has limitless power.

Number 7: Hate will just wear you out - Life is too short to bear grudges. Hating will only increase your burden. Learn to forgive and you will feel at peace. Let go of anger and let God be the judge of one's character.

Number 8: Happiness is temporary but joyfulness is lasting - Happiness is what you feel when you get what you want and what you need. Material things like gadgets, achievements like recognition and promotion, relationships, good times, these things in life gives you happiness. What if everything else were gone will you still be happy? Joyfulness is different. It gives you more. It is something that still resides within your heart even if it seems you lost everything. Joy comes from the Lord, it is lasting, rather it's eternal.

Number 9: The future is uncertain - Everything is fixed. You have a good job, your finances seem secure, you are about to start your own family. Then everything changes in a blink of an eye. Your security for your future suddenly crumbles. The future is uncertain you cannot just place your security on certain things. You have to place your security on God. In God, everything is certain even your future.

Number 10: You plan to fail. God plans to prosper - Have you noticed? Most of the time no matter how you plan there are just certain things that can ruin the steps that you are about to take. Human plans are imperfect most are bound to fail, but one plan will rise up above all, the perfect plan of God. His plan is to prosper you, to give you hope and a future.

Realizations, all will hit you hard when you came and found yourself in the middle of nowhere.

In the middle of nowhere, I found myself. I found nothing, I lost everything. I walk in circles then I halted, because in darkness a bright light is shining. In the middle of nowhere I found Him who suffered and died at the cross for me, for you and for the whole mankind. In the middle of nowhere I found hope, I found love, I found peace, I found God.

Where can I go? Nowhere but to you God.

Psalms 139:7-14 ESV "Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there!  If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

His Mighty and Gentle Embrace

1 Peter 5:7 ESV "Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

There will be a point in our lives when we will encounter our biggest fear head on. We will face a different kind of uncertainty that will evidently test our faith. Sometimes we thought our faith is enough to put us through the trials in life. Sometimes we feel so much blessed that we became too familiar with God, that His existence is just common, ordinary part of our lives.

Just recently, I was admitted to a hospital and undergone some procedures in response to an unexpected medical condition. The first test tends to show some serious result which needed to have a more comprehensive test and a minor surgery. Imagine how scared I was at that time. I was never been admitted to a hospital during my 31 years of existence. Hospital? I dreaded the smell of it plus I have a hemophobia. A lot of things came to my mind and I was suddenly engulfed with anxiety. I consider myself as a healthy individual who rarely have illnesses except for my anemia which is not that serious. So I'm somewhat confused why do I have to come across this.

As always, whenever I'm confronted with things that I can't comprehend I ask God for an explanation. Looking for answers, I cry out to Him. What? Why? How? These are the questions but I was not able to get a definite answer. Instead I was reminded of His extraordinary existence in my life. A special connection. . .

The day of my admission, the time of my surgery came and I wonder why I did not felt so afraid. It seems that I was enveloped with a new set of courage. I was discharged from the hospital a day after and I was amazed that I did not felt any major pain at all, unlike what it is in my previous imagination.

I came to realized that it was God after all. Despite my doubts, He embraces me with gentleness and protection. He secures me with His power and love.

Now, I'm in the process of healing and I'm about to know the final diagnosis six days from now. There are so many lies, attacks from the devil trying to infiltrate and destroy the foundation of my faith. But I will never be shaken, because in the midst of uncertainties one thing is clear. . . God cares for me and I'm holding on to that. His gentle embrace is so warm and comforting that in my heart I know He will never let me go.

A new year begins, a new hope, a new love, a new life is waiting for me to conquer. Another year with my loving Father, my mighty God and savior, my Lord Jesus Christ. How great is that huh? Thus I have nothing to worry. My God is mighty to save.

OF STORIES AND DREAMS. . . I AM WHO AM AND WHAT I WANT TO BE

It's quite interesting how our fascination takes us to places within our imagination. Our mind somehow translate it into sparkling ideas beyond our comprehensive way of thinking and finally make it into a concrete train of thoughts called STORY.

A story that transforms into a DREAM and later a reality.

My mind is somewhat full of narratives and I tried to express it in many ways that I can.

I started my pursuit when I was 7 years old, I became so engrossed with the picturesque effect of the images around me. I wanted to make a story out from it so I created my own version of those visuals, seriously did some drawings with the help of my precious pencil. I came to take the ARTS by heart and I thought it had become my way of conveying stories of friendship, family, love and even my wildest dreams in life.

I discovered another key to the world of stories when I was in my 5th grade. My teacher told me to pursue writing. She believed that when I grow up I'll become a good novelist. I have not really listened to her back then. But somehow I took her advice when I reached high school.

It was during high school when I started writing poems and short stories. The mystery and excitement with those phrases and lines that I cannot proclaim drive me to write my own feelings. I even become a huge fan of Mr. Shakespeare, although his works are far more difficult for a high schooler like me then to understand. But it was just so great really. I had become passionate about LITERATURE for such a long time and of course until now.

Somehow I felt like there's still a missing element in my stories. I need to add some flavor. But how? I create mine the way I see it, the way I read it. . . So what's missing?

Suddenly a wave of beautiful sound flows in the air. It's been there all along. How wonderful it is that I just closed my eyes to listen. I learned that music indeed adds flavor to every scene. It can reveal captivating pieces of emotion. Slowly my whole being coincides with music day by day.

Time pass by, I still continue making stories in many ways that I can. I finished highschool, I've gone to college, I started working but I did not abandon those expressions.

Have you wonder what I had become, considering my statements above? Oh, I actually became an Engineer. Yes it is, I pursued a different path. But that's another story. SCIENCE might had been a strong influence. What do you think?

I have said a lot. . . about stories and stuff. But what I want to leave behind is this. . . LIFE is composed of many different stories, but it all comes down to your choice on what things or ways to embrace so you can identify the person that you are. Know your dreams and do not be afraid to act on it.

I have chosen mine. I have chosen much. But that's who I am and what I want to be. What about you?