Seems like my spirit is about to die, as my heart moans in suffering. The excruciating pain and depression is slowly eating away my soul.
My innermost being is melting with hopelessness as I felt like I was deprived of the very reason for my happiness.
The façade is quite convincing. It radiates a certain kind of joy that is actually faked. On the outside, I pretended to be strong, that everything is alright. I smile even though I’m broken inside. Externally I’m happy but internally, grievances, mourning, hatred, confusion, doubt, helplessness and melancholy surrounds my deepest individuality.
Every night I cry out to God and pour out my distress. . .
Psalm 6:1-4, 6-7
New International Version (NIV)
1 LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?
4 Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
6 I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
Never in my entire life, that I thought I will encounter such great sadness that I can’t even breathe.
Few years ago, this had been my situation. Those dark days and times I never imagine that I could pass through. Those moments when I lost the love I have for God.
In my selfish pursuit of love and HAPPINESS, I totally forgot about the Lover of my soul, Jesus and replaced Him with the idol of love and AFFECTION grown out of His presence. That idol is a relationship that was not nurtured under God’s guidance and foundation.
And so, I had flown away from my BELOVED as I sought love from another arms without understanding that only through Him I can find true love and with Him I can be united with the right one.
I abused the freedom to love and had forsaken the love of my Lord and Savior.
The raging storm of emotions in my heart refuses to be calmed. Disobedience resulted in my insensitivity. Then my impatience made me follow the beat of my heart without wisdom and reality check.
In the midst of my insanity, God suddenly intervene. I could not accept it. It is so hard for me to understand that God wants to take away something, someone that I considered as a gift. At first, I was reluctant and I don’t want to give way. I was so deceived that God needed to slap me terribly with the realization of betrayal. I was awakened at last but I learned the hard way.
New International Version (NIV)
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
When I came back to my senses, I realized that my BELOVED is a jealous God. He does not want me to fall and cling to an idol. Instead, He wants me to learn how to love right. To love Him dearly and deeply first so I can be capable of loving right without making an idol out of it.
He also wants to be involved in my love story so He can protect and nourish it.
I lost my way in love but I realized that all along God is still holding me in His arms. When I become unfaithful, He remained faithful. He did not forsake me. I loose my grip but He holds me still.
When I lose my strength, He sustains me. When I lose the love even for myself, he filled me again with His unfailing love.
New International Version (NIV)
20 Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!
In the arms of my BELOVED, I am safe, I am loved, I am in peace. So how can I depart from it?
From this day on, I will hold on my BELOVED’s unfailing love and allow Him to carry me to the person who will love me the same, to someone who will not take me away from His arms.
My BELOVED will hold us and will bind us together in His arms. There will be joy and there will be genuine commitment. So I love to be in the arms of my BELOVED, because in His arms true love never ends. . .
My innermost being is melting with hopelessness as I felt like I was deprived of the very reason for my happiness.
The façade is quite convincing. It radiates a certain kind of joy that is actually faked. On the outside, I pretended to be strong, that everything is alright. I smile even though I’m broken inside. Externally I’m happy but internally, grievances, mourning, hatred, confusion, doubt, helplessness and melancholy surrounds my deepest individuality.
Every night I cry out to God and pour out my distress. . .
Psalm 6:1-4, 6-7
New International Version (NIV)
1 LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?
4 Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
6 I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
Never in my entire life, that I thought I will encounter such great sadness that I can’t even breathe.
Few years ago, this had been my situation. Those dark days and times I never imagine that I could pass through. Those moments when I lost the love I have for God.
In my selfish pursuit of love and HAPPINESS, I totally forgot about the Lover of my soul, Jesus and replaced Him with the idol of love and AFFECTION grown out of His presence. That idol is a relationship that was not nurtured under God’s guidance and foundation.
And so, I had flown away from my BELOVED as I sought love from another arms without understanding that only through Him I can find true love and with Him I can be united with the right one.
I abused the freedom to love and had forsaken the love of my Lord and Savior.
The raging storm of emotions in my heart refuses to be calmed. Disobedience resulted in my insensitivity. Then my impatience made me follow the beat of my heart without wisdom and reality check.
In the midst of my insanity, God suddenly intervene. I could not accept it. It is so hard for me to understand that God wants to take away something, someone that I considered as a gift. At first, I was reluctant and I don’t want to give way. I was so deceived that God needed to slap me terribly with the realization of betrayal. I was awakened at last but I learned the hard way.
Mark 12:30
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
When I came back to my senses, I realized that my BELOVED is a jealous God. He does not want me to fall and cling to an idol. Instead, He wants me to learn how to love right. To love Him dearly and deeply first so I can be capable of loving right without making an idol out of it.
He also wants to be involved in my love story so He can protect and nourish it.
I lost my way in love but I realized that all along God is still holding me in His arms. When I become unfaithful, He remained faithful. He did not forsake me. I loose my grip but He holds me still.
When I lose my strength, He sustains me. When I lose the love even for myself, he filled me again with His unfailing love.
Psalm 66:20
20 Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!
In the arms of my BELOVED, I am safe, I am loved, I am in peace. So how can I depart from it?
From this day on, I will hold on my BELOVED’s unfailing love and allow Him to carry me to the person who will love me the same, to someone who will not take me away from His arms.
My BELOVED will hold us and will bind us together in His arms. There will be joy and there will be genuine commitment. So I love to be in the arms of my BELOVED, because in His arms true love never ends. . .
*ACEMIT* 03/28/2012
