YEAR END REFLECTION: TEST OF CHARACTER

I looked back to my prayer points which I had listed down, prayed and fasted earlier this year. Then I also looked back on the past 2 years of my life. Whatever experiences that I had for the last 2 years will play an essential part on the upcoming year.

As most of you know, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The first year of my treatment which includes a major surgery, 8 cycles of chemotherapy, quarterly hormone therapy and 16 cycles of  immunotherapy is really difficult to go through physically, mentally and emotionally. Even as I completed the rest of it the following year I’m still having a hard time accepting my new normal life. You see, I am so grateful for the miracle that God had given me when I was declared cancer free earlier this year. For the past 2 years my faith had been tested. I tried my best to fight depression (which I know every cancer patient will naturally feel) by holding on to God’s grace and mercy. But you know what, as I claim victory over my sickness through Christ and believe that my battle with cancer is over, I realize that my battle with myself is not over. I know deep within my heart that God healed me because He is simply a merciful and gracious God. I really can’t give enough credit to my faith because I don’t think my faith is great enough to obtain God’s miracle. There are moments when I had my fair share of doubts and fears, still God made His way.

Just for you to understand, people who were diagnosed with cancer can actually become more sensitive to the words or treatment of other people (at least for my case) whether good or bad. I’m not sure if its an effect of our medication or its because of how much we suffered that sometimes we tend to have self pity and we are easily hurt. We tend to magnify things or situation that can hurt us. The things that we don’t care about before will matter greatly now because we became fully aware of how short life here on earth is. Well, that’s fine as long as we don’t dwell on it and ask God for strength and comfort.

There was a point in time from the previous year that I really have a very low self esteem. Although I was already recovering from my sickness, I still think my mental and physical capacity are preventing me to get better opportunities the way that I had before I was sick. Truly, my mind was not sharp as before, my memory became poor due to the effects of chemotherapy. There are times that I pathetically thought someone who really hates me might be laughing behind my back seeing me in my most helpless situation. This year when God had given me the opportunities that I prayed for, I really worked harder to fulfill my responsibilities despite my limitations. All I need is understanding and appreciation from people so I can be more inspired to do my best and increase my confidence. I’m happy to be challenged but if the pressure is too high I happen to feel so tired and demotivated along the way with all the sacrifices involved and with people who don't seem to care or recognize my efforts. Pondering further, I came to realize that I might be getting just too emotional about my circumstances, thinking this might be a test of character. But how will I respond to that? As I recollect the events in my life this year, I thought I actually failed if I'm talking about the test of character. I endured the pressure ok, but I failed in dealing properly with people. During the course of events this year, I honestly hated some people to the point that I tried not to associate much with them. But without a choice I think I have thrown myself in the toxicity of hatred that I had become a rude fake version of myself. Trying to please people but deep inside hating the situation and If I can’t take it anymore, I will snap or explode and express myself with sharp words out of disappointment. I found myself really complaining a lot. Why these things are happening? Why nobody wants to listen? Why doesn't anyone care at all? Ugh! I failed big time. God I know I failed you big time in this area. If you saw me last year as a strong and courageous cancer patient, this year you might have seen me as a headstrong and stubborn cancer survivor. God, what am I doing these days, these past few months? What am I thinking?

With these things that happened, I stopped and breathe, I suddenly began to think about what’s going to happen next year and I tell myself: “Hey, no need for any New Year’s resolution to be able to improve your character. Just stick with this resolve – In every situation, think about what would Jesus do and that’s what I should do. If I want to surpass the test of character, then imitating Christ's character is the best decision for me not just a one time decision but should be my decision everyday for the rest of my life. 

Year 2019, everyday will become a test I know, but still I will choose to conquer because God's peace will be my guide. It will be hard, but who says life here on earth is easy. As long as I keep holding on to God, I believe 2019 will become a greater year for me. From glory to glory as most of us would say. So cheers to the upcoming year and welcome it gladly. Aja! Fight! Soar not too high fall.

Philippians 4:8-9 ESV "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."