Three days before my birthday when I'm faced with this sad reality of cancer. I felt like my life is about to be extinguished at that moment. Fear suddenly enveloped my whole being as if there's no more remedy to that horrible instance.
Unlike what everybody perceived my initial response to this condition was very unpleasant, I became totally helpless. For the first few days I'm like a coward who couldn't accept this battle. While wearing a facade, I've been trying to find answers hoping that it can change my situation. Why me? I haven't done anything wrong to deserve this. I thought that there are more people who are just wasting their life away while I value mine and yet I got this critical illness instead. It's so unfair. The burning light that I had been protecting for years is about to be burned out.
When my treatment started I experienced the most difficult days of my life. First time that I felt so limited that I can do nothing. I don't normally get sick before, so being physically down is so frustrating.
I got chances to talk with a lot of people who encouraged me to be strong and have faith. But because I'm still coping up in the first few months of acceptance their words did not really sinked in. At the back of my mind I'm saying this: "Oh yeah, it's easy for you to say that because you're not the one who is about to die." Honestly I had been giving this kind of advice to people in the past to encourage them in the midst of their trials. It's really easy to say. Have faith, be strong. Easy to say when you are not in the situation. You see, it will actually become hard when bad things struck you head on leaving you devastated.
If God had not been merciful and graceful, I will not be able to get out of self pity and depression. The next phase had been bearable because this time I surrendered my situation to God. He embraced my weakness and guided me in power. I was relieved. But you know what, life is really playing tricks on me. More and more problems came. Left and right and on top of my ordeal. I even got this very oppressive chat conversation with someone who has a problematic life and who wishes to die. All are happening to break the security that I already had with God. This lady, she told me that she wants to die and if she can do anything, she would like to switch places with me. I was insulted, but I tried to understand her feelings. I am about to see her as the devil talking to me, challenging my faith and trying to steal away my hope. It's just that the Lord told me to listen to the rants of this lady because she was really broken. The worst thing she said to me is this: "You are fighting courageously now, but one day you will give up and you will wish to die" How encouraging right? Good thing is that I'm secured with God and He can only decide when or how my life ends. So I told her, I'm not gonna give up until God permits me. I realized at that time that she needs prayer more than I need one simply because she's missing out the love of God. I can sense so much despair in her words. I learned that it's not about how big your problem is that will determine how you will suffer or survive. It's about how you recognize the Lord as bigger than anything that you will encounter.
Our life is a burning light it will goes out any moment without us knowing the exact time. The challenge is this, is your light burning brighter that it enlightens the world or it is so dull no one had barely noticed it. I've got the most terrible experience when I was diagnosed with cancer, but I thought it became the starting point of my burning light shining brighter than it ever be. It gave me the perfect opportunity to reach the hardest of heart and to draw kindness from people. I'm still fighting and I'm declaring victory. I know one day my light will goes out even if it's not with cancer because all of us will die at any appointed time. I do hope that before my light goes out, I will leave a mark that will bring honor and glory to God. This is my purpose. This is my mission.
Romans 14:8 NLT "If we live, it's to honor the Lord. And if we die, it's to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."
Unlike what everybody perceived my initial response to this condition was very unpleasant, I became totally helpless. For the first few days I'm like a coward who couldn't accept this battle. While wearing a facade, I've been trying to find answers hoping that it can change my situation. Why me? I haven't done anything wrong to deserve this. I thought that there are more people who are just wasting their life away while I value mine and yet I got this critical illness instead. It's so unfair. The burning light that I had been protecting for years is about to be burned out.
When my treatment started I experienced the most difficult days of my life. First time that I felt so limited that I can do nothing. I don't normally get sick before, so being physically down is so frustrating.
I got chances to talk with a lot of people who encouraged me to be strong and have faith. But because I'm still coping up in the first few months of acceptance their words did not really sinked in. At the back of my mind I'm saying this: "Oh yeah, it's easy for you to say that because you're not the one who is about to die." Honestly I had been giving this kind of advice to people in the past to encourage them in the midst of their trials. It's really easy to say. Have faith, be strong. Easy to say when you are not in the situation. You see, it will actually become hard when bad things struck you head on leaving you devastated.
If God had not been merciful and graceful, I will not be able to get out of self pity and depression. The next phase had been bearable because this time I surrendered my situation to God. He embraced my weakness and guided me in power. I was relieved. But you know what, life is really playing tricks on me. More and more problems came. Left and right and on top of my ordeal. I even got this very oppressive chat conversation with someone who has a problematic life and who wishes to die. All are happening to break the security that I already had with God. This lady, she told me that she wants to die and if she can do anything, she would like to switch places with me. I was insulted, but I tried to understand her feelings. I am about to see her as the devil talking to me, challenging my faith and trying to steal away my hope. It's just that the Lord told me to listen to the rants of this lady because she was really broken. The worst thing she said to me is this: "You are fighting courageously now, but one day you will give up and you will wish to die" How encouraging right? Good thing is that I'm secured with God and He can only decide when or how my life ends. So I told her, I'm not gonna give up until God permits me. I realized at that time that she needs prayer more than I need one simply because she's missing out the love of God. I can sense so much despair in her words. I learned that it's not about how big your problem is that will determine how you will suffer or survive. It's about how you recognize the Lord as bigger than anything that you will encounter.
Our life is a burning light it will goes out any moment without us knowing the exact time. The challenge is this, is your light burning brighter that it enlightens the world or it is so dull no one had barely noticed it. I've got the most terrible experience when I was diagnosed with cancer, but I thought it became the starting point of my burning light shining brighter than it ever be. It gave me the perfect opportunity to reach the hardest of heart and to draw kindness from people. I'm still fighting and I'm declaring victory. I know one day my light will goes out even if it's not with cancer because all of us will die at any appointed time. I do hope that before my light goes out, I will leave a mark that will bring honor and glory to God. This is my purpose. This is my mission.
Romans 14:8 NLT "If we live, it's to honor the Lord. And if we die, it's to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."
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